I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
