WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
