I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
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My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
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I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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