and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
My vagina is very pro this idea
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
