Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
