I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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