All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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