It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
