Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
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