Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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