I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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