My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I can tuck mytits in my pants
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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