I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
