Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
