Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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