when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
