You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
