My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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