Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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