i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
