A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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