Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
