Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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