The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
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My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
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Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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