I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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