sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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