My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
