I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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