You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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