apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
