Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
