we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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