i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
whose parrot is this?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
