We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
