I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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