When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
