Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
