WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Ketchup is God's man juice
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
