At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
