wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
