I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
