We won't sleep together?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
