you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
