Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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