I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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