It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Randomize
