apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
