Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
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I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
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I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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