careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
