If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
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Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
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Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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