I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
