$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
