I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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