I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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