I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
