Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.