Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
