Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
