I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
