Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
