if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
These tits shall not be calmed
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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