so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
