Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
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The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
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GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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