like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
